he wants to bone in the snuggie
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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