He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
