Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
