If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
