I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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