it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
