apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Randomize
