I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
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