bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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