She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
