She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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