i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
