I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Randomize
