Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
