Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Randomize
