You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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