You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
