why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
