checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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