I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
