Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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