god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
