Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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