i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
