Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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