The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying