You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
