Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
