I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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