I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
