He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
