rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going