Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man