I'm laying in your front yard are you home
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
