I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
