Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
