Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
