Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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