Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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