No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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