i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
