you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Are my feet made of real feet?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
