Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
