I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
