she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
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you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
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HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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