were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
