I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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