you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
