i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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