dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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