Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
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Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
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i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Never joke about your clitoris.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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