Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
