My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
