i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm bleeding and have questions
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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