i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
